:: i love you ::

Thursday, March 31, 2005

"Glacial Speed"

You've heard of warp speed. You speed on the freeway. You see the cars speed past the screen during Sunday's race. But a glacier, that just sort of floats along...

I talked to a friend on the phone tonight, and her life is going pretty fast... pretty speedily... She is in a career, is going to graduate school, and has an active social life which includes vacations in tropical places. (lucky girl huh?)

She asked me what I was doing this week... Well... I am scheduled about 30 hours at work from now until Sunday... but other then 4 shifts in 4 days... nothing. I have things I need to do... like finish my taxes... (which I am postponing, because I owe and don't want to.) But, I have had relatively little going on the past few months.

I am moving at Glacial Speed. I was gung-ho ready to go, chomping at the bit, to begin fundraising a few weeks ago when I got back from Chicago... but, since I have been home, things have progressed so slowly that at times have felt like the car has sputtered and died and will not be re-starting without a lot of work.

This weekend I am trying to put the stuff together that I will need to make a big push in regards to fundraising. Sort of... break out of the ice of glacial speed. Blah. Pray for me, please.

>> In other news... Donald Miller is featured in an article in Relevant Magazine this month. The new issue hits newstands later this week.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Happy Easter

Thoughts started but never completed. Sentances began but never finished...

A lot is going on in my head and heart. Jesus is my Lord. So many other things are floating around in the stratosphere of my mind... I want them all the be quiet just for a moment so I may experience His glory.

I have another meeting with people in autority positions from my church. This process has started off a bit slower then I would have hoped, but please pray that good things come to him who waits.

Just so you know... there is no fun in fundraising.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

a friend of mine...

A friend of mine wrote this on his personal blog. I think it may encompass where I am tonight. There has been so much happening around me... with work, school, church, life, love, family... bah, without any more intro...

there's always too much to say, too much to think through, too much to see, too much to take in. Sometimes it's more than I can bear. Life is just so deep, so illusive, so other, so fluid. I try to grap it - take it - hold it - understand it - for just a moment, less then a second even, but even there it's gone...I almost have it...then just as I close my hand. Gone.
Like I wish I could sit here and paint a simplistic picture of where I am and what I am thinking. But it is so out of my reach - there's just too much going on "upstairs" and/or inside.
I am all over the place yet nowhere. Sometimes I fear that life is happening to me and I have absolutely no control over it. Like the tension between living from conscious versus subconscious is not 50/50 but 10/90 on a good day.
What am I doing and why? Where is my energy going and who cares? In what direction am I funneling my creativity and why? In the end does much of that matter anyway...?
To the one who wrote this - You are awesome man. Already in the short time I have known you, the friendship extended to me has impacted me in an eternal way. I don't know how much time we have together on this earth, your family and mine; this summer we will be relocated to places thousands of miles away, and thousands of miles apart. We will be conducting daily life in two new languages. We will have a different focus to our ministries, and our lives. But, one thought I hold dear in all of this. We are brothers for eternity. All this crap that doesn't make sense here on earth, it will melt away and we will be there together.

-- all that to look forward to, yet, I still wish I was on a plane to see you soon!

Have a safe trip back 'home,' I'll be in touch.

Sunday, March 13, 2005


ok ok... emergent conversation aside for one post.

I have a meeting tomorrow with my pastor, the subject of our meeting is fundraising. See... I can't even keep it away for one whole post. I would like to see this community rally up and lay claim to what God is doing. I know this sounds selfish coming from the direct beneficiaries point of view... but, I would love to see my home church step up and fully support me. I have already had two other churches in town, and another in Virginia, indicate that they would at least hear a presentation and consider giving. But, I have not talked with my home church yet.

I am tired of seeing workers have to solicit themselves around town, put on a dog and pony show just to get some church that they have never even sat through a Sunday service with to give them $25 a month. I feel like a call girl who gets paid according to her performance. I long to see the body of believers who has brought me up; the ones who have corrected me when I was wrong; the ones who have stuck by my side while I was a blockhead; the ones who were there when I graduated High School; the ones who were there when my Dad got remarried, when he began having children again; the ones who saw me baptized, twice; the ones who were there when I gave my life to Christ to begin with... I long to see them rally around me and send me out as a representative of Jesus.

I have purposely held off all fundraising efforts because I have been waiting for this meeting.

Please pray God's will in this. If I am to dance around town and shake my butt to get the money I need to serve God... then I will step out of my comfort zone even further then I already am, but I would rather not be a working girl for Christ.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Trippin on U2

... dang.

So, I finally got the new U2 CD, as you could see from my last post (S- did I tell you yet today that you rock?)... but dang, I didn't think I would like it this much. It has not left my CD player since I got it.

There have been several songs that struck me off of this album, Vertigo really describes where I am at spiritually... where I have been actually, sort of a self realization that I have been here for quite some time.

Another great song on the album is A Man and A Woman, I think this chorus is really beautiful. I'll let you wonder why I think its beautiful though... maybe another post for another day.
I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman
No I could never take a chance
‘Cos I could never understand
The mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

courtesy of the lyrics page at u2.com

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Thanks Sarah

Lights go down, it's dark
Your jungle is your head
Can't rule your heart
A feeling so much stronger than
I thought your eyes are widened
Though your soul, it can't be bought
Your mind can wander

Hello, hello
I'm at a place called vertigo
It's everything I wish I didn't know
Except you give me something
I can feel

The night is full of holes
There's bullets ripping sky
Of ink, with gold
They twinkle as the boys
Play rock and roll
They know that they can't dance
At least they know

I can't stand the beats
I'm asking for the check
Girl with crimson nails
Has Jesus 'round her neck
Swinging to the music
Swinging to the music

Hello, hello
I'm at place called vertigo
It's everything I wish I didn't know
But you give me something
I can feel

All of this
All of this can be yours
All of this
All of this can be yours
All of this
All of this can be yours
Just give me what I want
And no one gets hurt

Hello, hello
We're at a place called vertigo
Lights go down and all I know
Is that you give me something

I can feel your love teaching me how
Your love is teaching me how
How to kneel

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


Hey everybody.

Please pray for my friend Melissa. She is going to The Oasis in Vienna in just a few weeks and is still a little short on her funds.

The Oasis is a ministry focused on refugees.

I won't go into all the details, but, this hasn't exactly been the smoothest transaction one would hope for when planning to do a short term mission. She needs our encouragement and prayers.

Your Father knows what you need Melissa. Do not lose heart. The door has been opened and he is empowering you to take the steps needed to cross that threshold.

Sunday, March 06, 2005


I love my little brothers.

Isaiah James turns 3 this week.

We are having a little party for him tomorrow, he loves the Wiggles... so its Wiggle themed. We even have a little Wiggle cake and cookies to give to all his Wiggly friends who join us.

The one on the right is Isaiah

I feel connected to Isaiah in a special way... I could speculate on the reasons... Maybe its because he is adventurous, his older brother Isaac never was, and as a older guy I always wanted to rough house... Isaiah loves to rough house. Maybe its because he has trouble sleeping at night, and I am always up late... so it seems that if I ever go into snuggle with one of the boys, its to get him to go back to sleep. Maybe its because he does things with malicious intent... he knows what shutting the refrigerator door on his littler brother Ilijah will do, but he proceeds to do it anyway; I do so many things that I know I shouldn't. Maybe its because he has blonde hair... I dunno...

I don't know exactly why I feel connected to him in a special way. On some level, I do with all of them... Isaac, Isaiah, and Ilijah. But, its easier for me to pick out a singular reason for Isaac and Ilijah... not so much for Isaiah.

It sort of reminds me of 3 other people I know. God the Father, Jesus the son, and The Holy Spirit... The Father and the Spirit I can quickly brand reasons, two that come to mind... The Father created me, and the Spirit is with me always. But Jesus? I know what you church people are saying... what about His death. What about His death... for some reason, I cannot pick that out as the singular reason I love Jesus.

There are many things about Jesus that I can think of that draw me to Him. But, I cannot put my finger on one that makes me love Him more then another. Am, I thankful for His death... beyond measure... but I am also thankful for His love, because without that, there would have been no death. Maybe that is what draws me to Isaiah... his love for me.

It was certainly evident in his eyes and in his smile not more then 20 minutes ago when I laid nose to nose with him as he recovered from a bad dream and was settling down enough to go back to sleep. He has no agenda for loving me, no reason either for that matter. He didn't get to pick me before he was born into our family, he was stuck with me. I have not done anything for him that would suddenly trigger the emotion of love. He has just simply loved me since he was born, 3 years ago.

I've missed the last two birthday parties for him, and if I am in Russia... I will miss the next one. Tomorrow, I get to celebrate with him.

Thank you Jesus for loving me, and sending me 3 precious little brothers to show me what true love is, to show me unconditional love is, to show me how you love.


Blue Like Jazz

I finished reading More Ready... the night before last... I absolutely ate it up. The way that McLaren breaks the mold of so-called evangelism really brought down some barriers in my minds and helped me feel a little more free in my Christianity.

Its a good thing that I had another book on deck.

I could not put this book down last night... I actually fell asleep still reading it... then I woke up... found my place and read for another half hour... Its a good thing that my study meeting moved from 9am to 10am... I barley made it at 10:10...

Check out Donald Miller's site... if you are even remotely interested, read his descriptions of his books in the book section... Through the first 5 sections of Blue I really feel like he is being real.

blah blah blah.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Moscow Crime Statistics

City Crime Stats for The last week of February

No deep thoughts today... just an observation... noted here below...

Source The Moscow Times


Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Brian McLaren

Brian McLaren

I wish I would have found out about this man about 2 years ago. But, I didn't... so now I am trying to quickly make up for lost time and catch up on what he said that I have missed.

The ideas he presents are dangerous to The Church. I like his style.

From the Back Cover
WARNING: This is not just another book on evangelism. This book contains fresh, encouraging, challenging, groundbreaking, and doable ideas you’ll want to share with your pastor, your small group or class, your board, or your parachurch organization.

OUT: Evangelism as sales pitch, as conquest, as warfare, as ultimatum, as threat, as proof, as argument, as entertainment, as show, as monologue, as something you have to do.

IN: Disciple-making as conversation, as friendship, as influence, as invitation, as companionship, as challenge, as opportunity, as conversation, as dance, as something you get to do.

You’re more ready for this than you realize, and so are your friends!

More Ready Than You Realize

I hope it changes your life. I'm off to bed, its been a great 10 days. Training at International Teams was fun, challenging, and has helped me grow. I met so many cool people who are serving the Lord in dynamic and fresh ways all around the world.

More on that tomorrow...